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Scottish Kilt Jokes

Scottish Kilt Jokes

Updated on August 17, 2014

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Jimmy the jock  moreContact Author

whats up your kilt??????


Although the wearing of the national dress is saved for special occasions i.e weddings, there are a glut of jokes flying around about the kilted Scots, i hope you enjoy these select few.

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, “How much to replace this, Ian?” The proprietor says, “Why, Angus, that’ll be four pence.” Then the Scotsman asks, “How much to repair?” The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, “Three pence to repair.” The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, “I’ll be back.”

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, “Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!”

Three scotswomen are walking home

at night (they are neighbors) and find

a scotsman passed out partially

under a wagon. His upper body is

under the wagon and they can’t see

who he is; however, they would like to

help him get home. The first woman

looks under his kilt and says, “It’s not

my husband”. The second woman

looks under his kilt and says, It’s not

my husband”. The third woman looks

under his kilt and says, “Why he’s not

even from our village!”

He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

“Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

why do scots wear kilts

(two versions english and scotish)

Scotish: Because my wife can hear a zipper a mile away

English: Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

of course we scots are often asked what is worn under the kilt here are some of the answers i have heard over the years.

  • My Scottish pride.
  • My shoes and socks.
  • Nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.
  • By a man to a woman: How warm are your hands?
  • By a man to a woman: Play your cards right and you can find out.
  • By a man to a woman: Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn’t ask.She was right, God bless ‘er.
  • By a man to a woman: Tell me madam, would you go jogging without a bra?
  • To another man: Same as you, only bigger.
  • To another man: Your wife’s/sister’s/mother’s lipstick.
  • To a woman: If I’m lucky, your lipstick.
  • By a man: Bagpipes, wanna give ’em a blow?
  • By a man: A wee set of pipes.
  • By a man: String — I had to tie it up so it didn’t hang below the kilt.
  • By a man: It’s the smallest airport in the world…..2 hangars and a night fighter.
  • By a lady: A wee sporran.
  • By a lady: Chanel No. 5.
  • How badly do you want to know?.

i hope you all enjoyed…..jimmy

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History of the kilt on Wikipedia

History of the kilt

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to navigationJump to search

Highland chieftain Lord Mungo Murray wearing belted plaid, around 1680.

The history of the kilt stretches back to at least the end of the 16th century. The kilt first appeared as the belted plaid or great kilt, a full length garment whose upper half could be worn as a cloak draped over the shoulder, or brought up over the head as a hood. The small kilt or walking kilt (similar to the ‘modern’ kilt) did not develop until the late 17th or early 18th century, and is essentially the bottom half of the great kilt.

The word kilt comes from the Scots word kilt meaning to tuck up the clothes around the body, although the 11th edition of the Encyclopædia Britannica (vol. 15, p. 798) says the word is Scandinavian in origin. The Scots word derives from the Old Norse kjalta (meaning lapfold of a gathered skirt).[1]


The great kilt[edit]

Highland soldier in 1744, an early picture of a Government Tartan great kilt, with the plaidbeing used to protect the musketlock from rain and wind.

The Breacan an Fhéilidh (belted plaid) or Feileadh Mòr (great plaid) is likely to have evolved over the course of the 16th century from the earlier ‘brat’ or woollen cloak (also known as a plaid) which was worn over a tunic. This earlier cloak or brat may have been plain in colour or in various check or tartan designs, depending on the wealth of the wearer; this earlier fashion of clothing had not changed significantly from that worn by Celtic warriors in Roman times.[2]

Over the course of the 16th century, with the increasing availability of wool, the cloak had grown to such a size that it began to be gathered up and belted. The belted plaid was originally a length of thick woollen cloth made up from two loom widths sewn together to give a total width of 54 to 60 inches, and up to 7 yards (6.4 m) in length. This garment, also known as the great kilt, was gathered up into pleats and secured by a wide belt.

Plaids with beltloops were in use by the 1700s. A surviving men’s belted plaid from 1822 has belt loops sewn inside it at each pattern repeat, such that it can be unpleated entirely into a blanket, or rapidly pleated with a drawstring belt (with a second belt worn outside, to flatten the pleats, as in the portrait of Lord Mungo Murray above).[3]

The upper half could be worn as a cloak draped over the left shoulder, hung down over the belt and gathered up at the front, or brought up over the shoulders or head for protection against weather. It was worn over a léine (a full-sleeved garment stopping below the waist) and could also serve as a camping blanket.

A description from 1746 states:

The garb is certainly very loose, and fits men inured to it to go through great fatigues, to make very quick marches, to bear out against the inclemency of the weather, to wade through rivers, and shelter in huts, woods, and rocks upon occasion; which men dressed in the low country garb could not possibly endure.[4]

For battle it was customary to take off the kilt beforehand and set it aside, the Highland charge being made wearing only the léine or war shirt.

The exact age of the great kilt is still under debate. Earlier carvings or illustrations prior to the 16th century appearing to show the kilt may show the léine croich, a knee-length shirt of leather, linen or canvas, heavily pleated and sometimes quilted as protection. The earliest written source that definitely describes the belted plaid or great kilt comes from 1594.[2] The great kilt is mostly associated with the Scottish highlands, but was also used in poor lowland rural areas. Widespread use of this type of kilt continued into the 19th century, and some still wear it today.

The small kilt or walking kilt[edit]

Sometime in the late 17th or early 18th century the fèileadh beag (the small kilt), or filibeg, or philabeg, using a single width of cloth worn hanging down below the belt came into use, becoming popular throughout the Highlands and northern Lowlands by 1746, although the great kilt or belted plaid continued to be worn. The small kilt or philibeg is a development of the great kilt, being essentially the bottom half of the great kilt.

A letter written by Ivan Baillie in 1768 and published in the Edinburgh Magazine in March 1785 states that the garment people would recognize as a kilt today was invented in the 1720s by Thomas Rawlinson, a Quaker from Lancashire. After the Jacobite campaign of 1715 the government opened the Highlands to outside exploitation, and Rawlinson went into partnership with Ian MacDonnell, chief of the MacDonnells of Glengarry to manufacture charcoal from the forests near Inverness and smelt iron ore there. The belted plaid worn by the Highlanders he employed was too “cumbrous and unwieldy” for this work, so, together with the tailor of the regiment stationed at Inverness, Rawlinson produced a kilt which consisted of the lower half of the belted plaid worn as a “distinct garment with pleats already sewn”. He wore it himself, as did his business partner, whose clansmen then followed suit.[5]

It has been suggested that there is evidence of Highlanders wearing only the bottom part of the belted plaid before this,[2] possibly as early as the 1690s,[2] but Rawlinson’s is the earliest documented example with sewn-in pleats, a distinctive feature of the kilt worn today.

The tailored kilt was adopted by the Highland regiments of the British Army, and the military kilt and its formalised accessories passed into civilian usage during the early 19th century and has remained popular ever since.[2]

The earliest extant example of a tailored kilt is from 1792 (currently in the possession of the Scottish Tartans Authority).[6]

Proscription and revival of the kilt[edit]

Portrait by Henry Raeburnof Alexander Ranaldson MacDonell of Glengarry in 1812.

David Wilkie‘s 1829 flattering portrait of the kiltedKing George IV, with lighting chosen to tone down the brightness of his kilt and his knees shown bare, without the pink tights he actually wore at the event in 1822.

A characteristic of the Highland clan system was that clansmen felt loyalty only to God, their monarch, and their Chief. The Jacobite risingsdemonstrated the dangers to central government of such warrior Highland clans, and as part of a series of measures the government of King George II imposed the “Dress Act” in 1746, outlawing all items of Highland dress including kilts (although an exception was made for the Highland Regiments) with the intent of suppressing highland culture. The penalties were severe; six months’ imprisonment for the first offense and seven years’ transportation for the second. The ban remained in effect for 35 years.

Satirical caricature of European women curious about kilted Scottish soldiers, c. 1815

Thus, with the exception of the Army, the kilt went out of use in the Scottish Highlands, but during those years it became fashionable for Scottish romantics to wear kilts as a form of protest against the ban. This was an age that romanticized “primitive” peoples, which is how Highlanders were viewed. Most Lowlanders had viewed Highlanders with fear before 1745, but many identified with them after their power was broken. The kilt, along with other features of Gaelic culture, had become identified with Jacobitism, and now that this had ceased to be a real danger it was viewed with romantic nostalgia.

Once the ban was lifted in 1782, Highland landowners set up Highland Societies with aims including “Improvements” (which others would call the Highland clearances) and promoting “the general use of the ancient Highland dress”. The Celtic Society of Edinburgh, chaired by Walter Scott, encouraged lowlanders to join this antiquarian enthusiasm.

The kilt became identified with the whole of Scotland with the pageantry of the visit of King George IV to Scotland in 1822, even though 9 out of 10 Scots now lived in the Lowlands. Scott and the Highland societies organised a “gathering of the Gael” and established entirely new Scottish traditions, including Lowlanders wearing a stylised version of the traditional garment of the Highlanders. At this time many other traditions such as clan identification by tartan were developed (prior to this, tartans were identified with regions, not specific clans).

After that point the kilt gathered momentum as an emblem of Scottish culture as identified by antiquarians, romantics, and others, who spent much effort praising the “ancient” and natural qualities of the kilt. King George IV had appeared in a spectacular kilt, and his successor Queen Victoria dressed her boys in the kilt, widening its appeal. The kilt became part of the Scottish national identity and the wider Celtic identity.

Military use[edit]

An officer of the Black Watch c. 1743

From 1624 the Independent Companies of Highlanders had worn kilts as government troops, and with their formation into the Highland regiment in 1739 their great kilt uniform was standardised with a new dark tartan.

Many Jacobite rebels adopted kilts as an informal uniform, with even their English supporters wearing tartan items during the Jacobite rising of 1745. In the aftermath of that rebellion the Government decided to form more Highland regiments for the army in order to direct the energies of Gaels, that “hardy and intrepid race of men”.[7] In doing so they formed effective new army regiments to send to fight in India, North America, and other locations while lowering the possibility of rebellion at home. Army uniforms were exempt from the ban on wearing kilts in the “Dress Act“, and as a means of identification the regiments were given different tartans. These regiments opted for the modern kilts for dress uniforms, and while the great kilt remained as undress uniform this was phased out by the early 19th century.

Men of the Queen’s Own Cameron Highlanders man a bunker at Aix, France (1939)

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Love and Care of the Great Kilt

The great kilt is made of three to six yards of full width fabric (54 to 60 inches wide.) This was the garment worn by the shepherds, the poor — the highlanders who had very little. It was their blanket at night and their clothing by day.

At the time when the great kilt was worn (1500 to 1740’s when tartans and kilts were banned) tartans as we know them did not exist. Patterns were made up of natural colors from white and black sheep with some dies made from local ingredients. The fabric was woven on a 30 inch loom and shrunk by walking the cloth to a width of 26 or 27 inches. Two widths of this were sewn together to make a kilt width.

In these far off and undocumented times the great kilt was ‘put on‘ in some way about which we can only guess. Each man would have his own wearing technique and no uniformity could exist. I am sure that many kilted highlanders would not be accepted by todays standards of decency.

Uniformity and some documentation of the kilt came about when the great kilt was adopted by the british army as the dress for regements recruited in scotland. During the years 1747 to 1782 tartan could be worn only by officers and men of his majesties armed forces. With this uniformity was achieved as only the british army can do. Tartans as we know them — the government tartan (now the black watch) and others such as, the Gordon,the MacKenzie, the Cameron, the Campbell which are basically the black watch with modifications, were created and defined.

The british soldier lived in, slept in, and fought in his kilt. This became a sweaty, dirty, greasy, stained garment which hung on the body to protect him from inclement weather but interfered to some extent with his movement and mobility. He was no doubt happy to have it replaced with the shorter kilt, the FHEILE BEAG towards the end of the 18th century.

The british soldier was issued 6 yards of single width fabric This was cut in half and sewn to make 3 yards of kilt width. Four 5 or 6 yards make a comfortable kilt. More than 6 yards gives too much plaid to conveniently handle without appearing bulky and pulling on the rest of the clothing.PUTTING THE KILT ONtop

1 Put the belt on.

2 Lay down on the bed with the knees at the edge of bed. Leave the belt.

3 Lay out the kilt fabric with hem edge along the edge of the bed.

4 Pleat the fabric so there are three sections, 1/2 hip of pleats, with 1/2 hip of apron on each side.

5 Lay down on pleated part with knees at edge of bed.

6 Spread the under apron (right side) and smooth over body.

7 Spread the over apron (left side) and smooth over body. Keep the hem straight and level.

8 Fasten the belt at the waist.

9 Stand up.

10, The kilt will disappar under the plaid which hangs over the kilt to about the middle of the shins.

11 As seen from the back.WEARING THE KILTtop

12 At a mirror observe the form of the kilt with its plaid.

A first method of adjusting kilt
12-A-1 Take the two ends of the apron plaid in the right hand and the center of the plaid in the right,

12-A-2 bring these together over the left shoulder.

12-A-3 and pin together with a plaid brooch.note This (12) is probably the most comfortable way to wear the great kilt. It does hide the sporran but does not pull on the clothing.

13 Take the plaid end of the underapron which is on top and tuck it under the belt as far around the left side as it will reach.

14 Take the plaid end of the over apron,

15 tuck it under the belt.

16 The kilt is now visible from the front, but not the back.

A second methods of adjusting kilt
16-A Bring the center of the plaid over the head. This is good for inclement weather.

A third methods of adjusting kilt
16-B Drop the head loop from 16-A around neck and fasten with a brooch.

A fourth methods of adjusting kilt
16-C-1 Pick up the plaid with both hands at arms length on each side.

16-C-2 Bring the two together over the left shoulder and,

16-C-3 pin with a brooch at shoulder.

16-C-4 This method is comfortable and shows the kilt well.

A fifth methods of adjusting kilt
16-D Tuck the entire plaid under the belt at the back. This is bulky but is the coolest way to wear the kilt.

A sixth methods of adjusting kilt
16-E-1 Take one or several pleats from the middle of the plaid,

16-E-2 bring to the left shoulder and pin in place.

16-E-3 This was the way the kilt was worn by scittish reements in the 17 & 18 th centuries. It works well for 3, 4, or r yards of fabric. For longer fabrics ther may be a low place in the back of the plaid.Folding and storing the kilttop

17 Lay out the canvas protective cover on the bed.

18 Flip the plaid over the head and lie down on the canvas cover.

19 Pleat the kilt as if to put it on. Carefully position the pleats where you want them when you next wear the kilt.

20 Take the upper apron and fold it over the pleated part.

21 Take the under apron and fold it over the pleated part.

22 Smooth out carefully to remove all rinkles and folds.

23 Take the plaid end of this assembly plaid end of this assembly

24 and fold it to the hem edge of kilt.

25 Fold the protective cover over the kilt and fasten ties.

26 Roll the kilt as tightly as you can from the fold to the hem edge.

27 Tie the kilt closed. Knife edge pleats will press into the fabric for the next time you wear this fine garment.

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Great Kilt History

Great Kilt History

It is hard to beat a traditional great kilt! (Also known as the “breacan an fheilidh” or “feile mor”.) The great kilt dates back to at least the 16th century, and it’s the most traditional and recognizable form of the kilt for Renaissance Festivals or other reenactment events.

What is the Great Kilt?
Only the most common and easily recognized historic style of kilts! Historically it took 9 yards of cloth to make a great kilt. (The origin of the phrase “The whole nine yards”.) At the time looms were only able to weave fabric up to about 30 inches wide. To make a great kilt the tartan would be cut in half, leaving you with two pieces, each about 30 inches wide and 4 ½ yards long. The two pieces would then be sewn together side by side, making the finished great kilt about 60 inches wide and 4 ½ yards long.

A brief history of the Great Kilt:

The Great Kilt is also known as the “breacan an fheilidh” or “feile mor”. The first known reference to this mode of dress was made in 1594. The Great Kilt was made from wool, often grown on one’s own sheep. It could take a year for someone to shear and spin enough wool to make one kilt. The yarn would then be taken to the local weaver to weave into cloth. Wool, then and now, is no different. The Great Kilt enjoyed popularity until the Act of 1746 banned all forms of Highland Dress. See our Great Kilt history page for more in depth information.

How do you wear a Great Kilt?

Traditionally, you pleat the kilt each time you wear it, and the only thing that holds it together is your belt. Pleating your kilt is easy once you get the hang of it, and only takes about 10 minutes or so to do. Each kilt comes with instructions on how to pleat and wear your kilt. You can also download them in PDF format here: (Technical Difficulties, The link will be posted as soon as available. Sorry for any inconvenience.)

What size Great Kilt do you need?

A 4 yard Great Kilt will fit up to about a 34 inch waist. A 6 yard kilt will fit up to about a 44 inch waist. Larger sizes are available upon request. For pricing on larger sizes please contact us. Additionally, if your waist size is close to one of these limits consider the next size larger if you would like deeper pleats or pleats closer together. We ask for your measurements so that we can be sure your kilt will fit correctly (see below), but we do not pleat the kilt for you unless you add Cheater Pleats™.

Cheater Pleats™

Wearing it the old fashioned way is nice, but if you don’t want to have to pleat your Great Kilt every time you wear it we will pleat it for you and stitch in a hidden waistband to hold it all in place for an additional $50. This makes it much easier to wear and no one will even know you didn’t pleat it yourself!

Measuring Instructions

1) Measure comfortably around your waist where you normally wear your pants.

2) Measure around your hips at the fullest point (usually about 6” below the waist)

3) Measure from your waist to about the middle of the knee. It is best if you have help, because bending even slightly will change the measurement.

4) Your height.

Our goal is to make the ordering of your kilt as stress free and enjoyable as possible and we look forward to handling your order. Please enjoy our extensive online catalog of Tartan Fabrics, Highland Accessories, Kilt Accessories, Kilt Jackets, Kilt Clothing, and other quality Celtic products.

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Utility Kilts

Welcome to our range of Utility kilts. These fashionable kilts feature adjustable straps and side pockets, so they’re hard wearing and practical to be used throughout the day. If you want any assistance please call us on +92 312 6605654.

Like traditional kilts, these designs are pleated on the trunk for precisely the exact same shape and design of the traditional kilt. Utility kilts are also excellent everyday fashion accessories and may fit into numerous events when paired with the right outfit.

Utility kilts are available in a number of fashions. Black utility kilts are flexible and can be dressed up or down, while camouflage kilts are ideal for work or casual wear and then add a bit of pattern into the garment. But you want to design your usefulness kilt, you’ll always look stylish and feel comfortable in all climates.

While the tartan kilt is a beloved icon of Scottish heritage, a traditional kilt isn’t always acceptable for all occasions. For anybody who enjoys the look and feel of wearing a kilt but wants something hardwearing, functional and fashionable then a utility kilt could be an ideal fit. Utility kilts give the traditional kilt a modern and functional twist, including hard-wearing materials with additional features that make your kilt even more functional.

While conventional kilts might look striking at any kind of social event, they need to be cared for if you want to preserve their charming appearances. These practical kilts are equipped with several pockets for simple storage of small things and even tools, perfect for wearing not only for general jobs but also for all sorts of work situations. Instead of decorative tartan, utility kilts are constructed from hardwearing materials that could stand up splendidly to wear and tear.

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Top Factors You Must Consider Before Buying Your First Modern Kilt in 2018

Factors You Must Consider Before Buying Your First Modern Kilt

If you love Scottish culture and tradition, you must have come across modern kilts various times. These kilts are very stylish and you can use them as an alternative to jeans or your everyday wear to musical events.

However, if you are looking for the best kilt, there are a lot of factors that you need to consider. In this article, you will learn of some factors you need to put into consideration when you are looking for modern kilts. In fact, we have made a checklist for you below to ensure that you get the best kilt at the best value the next time you go for kilt shopping.

Top Factors You Must Consider When You Are Searching For the Best Modern Kits

  1. Consider the Kilt Style That is Right For You

This is probably the first thing that you will need to consider. If you are looking for the best kilt, you must ensure that the one that you want to get is the right one for you. First thing you need to understand is that modern kilt come in various styles and they include:

  • Hybrid Kilts

This type of kilt is made from 2 kinds of fabrics. You will likely see it with one fabric used for the body and another fabric used for the trim and the pleats. In any case, hybrid kilts are very fashionable and functional.

  • Utility Kilts

Just like the name sounds, this type of kilt is designed to serve various purposes. They are indeed very durable and you can even wear them to work or when you are going out to a special event. The material utility kilts are made are usually very thick and can resist wear and tear.

  • Camo Kilts

This type of kilt is designed to be worn when you are on the street for a festival and even when you are embarking on an adventure.

  • Denim Kilts

Consider denim kilts as a kind of “cross-breeding” between everyday blue jeans and a kilt. The purpose of this type of kilt is so that you can wear it daily for work and even for events.

  • Prints

If you are looking for colorful kilts, well, you need to get these kilts. They come with graphic embellishments which makes them stand out from other types of kilts. Prints are more fashionable than other types of kilts.

Choosing the Right Material For Your Kilt

When you have figured out the type of kilt that is right for you, another important task is to know the material that you want. Kilts are made from various materials – while some are made from cotton, there are others that are made from polyester and even from poly cotton.

The cotton material is soft and breathable and you can use them on hot days. On the other hand, kilts made from polyester used to be heavier which makes them hard to wrinkle. If you are looking for a blend of these two options, you will need to get a kilt that is made from poly cotton.  Another good material you should consider is the leather kilt, this material has edgy look. However, it requires frequent oiling as well as regular maintenance in order to keep it in a good condition.

Consider Storage

Fortunately, modern kilts have storage pouch known as “sporran” or pockets. This sporran usually comes built-in or detachable. You will need a good storage when you are traveling with your kilt. It is important to note that the number and the size of the pocket can vary from style to style. Before you go for kilt shopping, consider what you want to carry. This will enable you to choose the right pocket you will use for your kilt storage.

Consider Your Budget

Finally, you should consider how much you have to spend when you are looking to buy a modern kilt. In most cases, you can get good kilts between $80 and $200. However, this will depend on the style, material, as well as the features.

Before you shop for kilts online, make sure you have the amount you want to spend in mind. Knowing the right amount you want to spend will keep you from overspending.


Investing in a kilt is a good idea. It is very fashionable and will make you more attractive the next time you step out. However, when you are considering buying a modern kilt, make sure you consider these factors listed above.